How stories can help teach kids about death

My dad with my daughter, early 2019

This weekend marks two years since my father died at 62 from an aggressive form of kidney cancer. 

He was approaching retirement after three decades spent building a small business. He had become a grandfather 16 months earlier. We called him “Pop.” His trademark wit was only sharpening, and I looked forward to all he would teach my little girl.

My daughter asks about her Pop several times a week. This last month she’s started to interrogate me about where Pop really is, when she will see him again, and if he can leave heaven to come play blocks with her.

I feel pretty sure the uptick in questions is related to my recent miscarriage. 

My husband and I chose not to hide this painful event from our daughter. Not only would her keen perception have made that almost impossible, but we figured the disheartening experience was a chance to teach her about loss (in an age-appropriate way)—and a chance for us to grow closer as a family.

We explained to her that people, like flowers, grow from “seeds,” but just as not all seeds grow into flowers, not all seeds that take root in their mothers grow into babies. 

“It’s okay, Mommy,” she replied, gently patting the back of my hand. “Maybe a baby will grow next spring.”

We held a backyard ceremony for our baby-that-didn’t-get-to-be, planting a dogwood tree in memory. It’s been a gift for us to watch the sapling take root and its leaves unfold to the sun.

Just as we drew on the narrative of the life cycle to help our daughter grasp our miscarriage, we rely on story often in our family to explain difficult concepts—and to give the ineffable a sense of meaning and permanence. 

We’re careful to emphasize the factual and scientific (“while the seed that was in Mommy’s tummy will never grow into a baby, we are happy to watch this little tree grow”), but we don’t pretend to know what happens after death. It’s important to us that we nurture our daughter’s spirit, as well as her mind, and teach her how to be comfortable in a place of unknowing. 

Pop is in the pages of our daughter’s photo albums; he is a character in the stories we share at the dinner table. We are candid that we won’t see him again in physical form, but we let our imaginations roam when it comes to his spirit. Sometimes he flies with the flock of geese over the nearby creek, and at other times he’s swimming with the fish and the current.

My dad and I, circa 1990. He couldn’t stand the feeling of sand between his toes but was rallying for my benefit.

Death might be unknowable, but it doesn’t have to be unspeakable or unapproachable. And fortunate for us writer-parents, we can use our penchant for storytelling as a tool to help our kids navigate this complicated topic.

Here are some ways stories can help our children remember loved ones who’ve passed and grapple with the concept of death.

The Earth’s stories

In many ways our planet is our greatest teacher, and the closer we look at the life cycle and seasons, the more stories we’ll find hidden there.

Whether these stories exist on their own or we humans force meaning upon natural events, I don’t know, but it’s hard to deny the power of a robin tending to her nest of babies, or the trees shedding their dying leaves come autumn.

Gardening can be an effective, hands-on way to explain birth, growth, and death to children from an early age. Kids learn in the garden about time and patience—and about how much of life is out of our control, no matter the care or tending-to we may offer. (There’s always the weather, for instance, or that pesky squirrel’s determination to shred our marigolds.)

Our cultural stories

I’ve always been someone who’s turned to books for guidance, commiseration, and perspective, and sometimes all three.

Lucky for us avid readers who’ve passed this trait to our kids, many children’s books deal with grief and death in their pages. (Here’s a list of 7 great ones to start.) Sometimes the distance offered by a story that isn’t exactly ours can give us the space necessary to better understand our own story.

Along with books, there are of course many beautiful films and songs—and religious or spiritual myths and parables—that center around themes of loss and grief. Pixar’s Coco is a brilliant example, if you haven’t already seen it. (My daughter and I watched it last week for movie night, at the recommendation of two story-loving friends. Thanks, Nina and Casey!)

Your family’s stories

Stories passed down the generations are treasure chests that never empty. Endlessly captivating are the lives of our ancestors to each successive generation—if we remember and continue to share them, that is. 

Keep photo albums at hand, not packed away in the attic. When you feel ready, try showing your kids videos and voice recordings of loved ones who’ve passed.

Maybe pair each recording with a story about the time surrounding it. Mention the details that stick out to you, the funny or odd things that might have happened. Help your kids feel transported (you are a writer after all, yeah?), and let them participate in the telling and re-telling later. 

Not only will this help to preserve your loved ones’ stories for the future, it prompts your kids to consider their own place in the greater context of time and history. 

Your kids’ stories

You can encourage your children to talk or write about their emotions or questions following conversations about death.

If you see your younger kids working out their feelings through pretend play, know that this is often how children learn to cope and understand reality, and try to offer them support. 

One way to show support (and this will depend on your child’s age, personality, and preferences) might be to join them as they write or play. Following their lead, you could take turns writing a story together, popcorning between sentences or paragraphs. You might even record yourselves telling it, play it back, and/or act it out.

Stories honor life

Our way with words as writer-parents can be an asset to our children as they learn about death and the grief often associated with it. 

Allowing stories to guide us through times of loss not only gives our kids a way to cope with death, it instills in them a sense of wonder and appreciation for life.

Are there stories your family has turned to when dealing with loss? Feel free to share with our community in the comments below.